Ep#41 Decluttering: Letting Go of Old Stories
Do you have to be fully healed to be a healer? And how do you emerge from what may feel like the dark night of the soul?
So I'm currently sitting in my childhood bedroom looking at the pile of over 10 years worth of accumulated things before my eyes. Lately, I haven't had very much motivation to organize or put things away, questioning whether or not it's even worth it when the future feels so uncertain. Because while I've had the biggest income thus far in my business already surpassing over six figures in half the time as last year. And serving the most amazing clients in another full cohort of my program Roots to Rise while starting to finally feel in alignment with what I've created.
What people don't see are the sacrifices that have been made behind the scenes to get here.
I've updated you in my previous solo podcast episodes about my mother's situation and how just two months ago, I was afraid that she was on her way to becoming an ancestor. And you can listen to that episode on, Initiations: What Ancestors Told Me, which I recorded while I was in Hawaii amidst paradise, questioning whether or not she was going to live or die. And at that time I didn't have very much control since she was kept in isolation and I wouldn't even be able to see her. I do want to say that she's doing much better now and it just amazes me how I feel like I was given a second chance.
And while I've been able to share these parts of myself, what I've never talked about publicly yet, is my own relationship. My partner who much prefers to be kept out of this business. But one of the most difficult things throughout these years has been feeling like I need to compartmentalize the two. And I want to give a shout out to anyone who has been able to master this where you can come home and completely shut out of your 9-5 or your business and just be present with your family and your loved ones and yourself. But as a spiritual entrepreneur, I feel like we're doing so much more than just picking up a paycheck. For many of us, this is our dharma and our lives calling at least for the time being.
And I also want to ensure that you're clear, that you are not your business.
The business helps to fund the things that bring you joy, the things that bring you pleasure. A lot of my investments go towards traveling and into my own wellness, my selfcare. So that I can arrive to my clients, being able to pour from my overflow.
But what happens when you're feeling depleted and it becomes difficult to show up?
Before going to Hawaii, I was in such a state of frenzy that right before I took my mother to the emergency room, I also ended My 10 Year relationship. My heart just couldn't take it anymore and I still question whether or not I made the right choice, whether it was out of impulse or it was something that has just been brewing, festering for me to finally explode when I felt like I was carrying so many responsibilities on my shoulders.
But since that time my parents have lovingly welcomed me back into their home. Not only that, but my mother has been begging me to move back with her for some time because to be honest, in the past 10 years I've been away. I haven't spent that much time with her or my father. And really, I'm realizing that there's nobody else to care for my parents as they are aging. They are in their mid 70’s and could any day any time now become an ancestor and I feel so grateful and privileged to actually have a safe space to return to.
And of course sometimes I feel like I've taken a big step backwards that I went straight from my parents to being in this long term partnership to never actually experiencing what it's like to be truly independent and on my own other than the times that I've traveled to other countries long term and I had a place to come back to. But now that I'm here and I'm spending so much time with my parents and starting to see how my father's memory is beginning to fade. To where he tries to find his friend's house the other day, which he regularly goes to, that's less than two miles away. And apparently, he came home flustered because he couldn't remember where it was. And that my mother has a difficult time walking up the stairs now, and so often finds herself sleeping downstairs on the couch.
It is that reality of mortality, of death that is looming so close to me.
And I've been telling myself so many of these stories, alright. For example, Oh June, you're a failure at your relationships and life. Your business is temporary and who do you think you are putting your stuff out there, especially on your podcast and your social media, you know, you're going to lose credibility if people know that you don't have everything together.
How can you help others when you're still working out your own shit?
So as I'm sitting here, looking at my pile of things, I'm actually hit with a big realization.
Before you make way for new things in your life, you have to take a look at what it is you already have and face it.
So side note, while I've become really good at business and coaching, I am terrible at domestic tasks like cooking, cleaning and organizing, which has made me believe that I am far from “wifey material” if that's what's required.
And that's why I recently hired a decluttering coach named Ashley Moon who has been holding me accountable in this process. And while I've had some people say, why, why did you do that when I could have helped you? It's not the same. It's not the same when your sister is sitting in your room, or your friends and they want to have a conversation or they end up wanting you to hold space or vice versa. No, I have a task at hand and this needs to be my single focus right now. And I mean honestly, my business is where it's at because I've also learned to ask for help and to hire out for the things that I'm not good at and to allow myself to cultivate my own zone of genius.
So yes, I have a decluttering coach and it has already made the world of a difference. As I went to Target yesterday and I bought plastic bins per her recommendation, even though all I wanted to do was buy every single woven basket because that's what I'd rather have. Like I don't want to deal with plastic. But no, I need to put my things. I need to compartmentalize them and organize them into these clear plastic bins to see what it is I really have and I'm going to celebrate that.
In the midst of decluttering, I found my label maker. So I am labeling these bins and I can return them later while replacing them with woven baskets if I choose to. I'm still in the midst of this transition. Grief has been heavy on my heart, especially being with my parents and seeing the ways that they are growing older. But gathering my things during this separation and having a chance to see everything in front of me is also teaching me what is most important in my life.
So most of my items include my altar items which are my deities, my incense, my crystals and by the way, my altar took up a big chunk of our small living space and it was something that I refused to give up.
I also have a ton of art supplies, even though I haven't painted in years. And a ton of self-care items like candles and herbs. I have a full on apothecary with different oils.
There's also outdoor camping gear that's been neglected maybe because I was tired of being the one to constantly initiate these adventures. But now I have a chance to take myself on these adventures instead of waiting for when both of our schedules align. And books, tons and tons of books that I've rented a storage unit for to hold on to them, before I tackle that as a next step in my decluttering journey.
So, as I've been questioning, who am I to run a business when I can barely care for myself? And who am I to do this? When I'm living back at my parents and have yet to experience living independently since I was in such a long-term relationship.
But when there seems to be so much inner turmoil, where is it that we make that spaciousness to grieve?
We tend to believe that there's an end destination to our healing. That when we get out of the dark night of the soul, there's nothing but light that will eventually crack the code and be in this forever bliss. Never having to worry about human suffering since we finally reached enlightenment. And I'm here to tell you that to be a human being, is to suffer.
And this is not meant to scare anyone. But in my spiritual practice, I believe that as spiritual beings and reincarnated ancestors, many of us have made the conscious choice to return back into these physical bodies to complete unfinished business. It's a part of our karma. And the real test is going to be, how will you respond every time adversity, challenges or conflict arises in your life. How is it that you can be a total Jedi about it?
And I'm inspired by Green Tara, the female booty Sasha who was told by a male monk that oh it's a shame you weren't born in a man's body. Otherwise, you would have more followers of your teachings. And while Green Tara could have entered Nirvana where suffering ceases to exist. She chose to return in as many lifetimes as possible until all people are liberated from suffering regardless of how they were born. I feel like so much of our journey in our lifetime is remembering our dharma, remembering our medicine and our magic and Green Tara is actually my logo.
So challenges will continue to arise in your life and instead of running from it or covering it up with things, with distractions, will you confront it? Will you face it and allow yourself to feel what arises for you and sit with that discomfort? And then will you be so kind and compassionate with yourself to acknowledge that this will pass and that you've been doing such a great job thus far? Because one of the things I say in my program to my clients is that spelling is a spell.
And when I read my journal entries from 2018 of when I was just starting my business in the midst of my sadness and return, of all the things I wanted in my life, even when I felt so unworthy after getting fired from my job, amidst other things that felt like they were falling apart. All the intentions that I've set out for myself and everything I've written about what it is I wanted for my future self thus far has come true. Everything except getting a bigger place with my partner. But perhaps it was because he never saw himself in that vision to begin with. And I have to accept that it's okay. That he has his path while I have mine.
The story I've been telling myself is that I need to choose between my business and relationships. But the truth I feel in my bones is that these things can coexist and that both can nurture each other. The story I've been telling myself is that moving back in with my parents makes me a failure and potential bad candidate for the dating game. But the truth is that my parents are getting older and while I may not have children, this is my opportunity to care for them as they have cared for me.
The story I tell myself is that my business is maybe the reason why my relationship failed. But the truth is that failure is only feedback of what it is I want and don't want. Moving forward, I was young and that I'm so grateful for all the growth and the learning lessons I've received and that I'm still learning.
And that it's never too late to choose you.
I know many of us may be afraid of what our family or what our friends might think about us. But when you learn to let go of other people's opinions and you learn to let go of the things that may be holding you back from calling in this life that you have been praying for, even when it looks and feels so unclear to you, the universe will make way for something greater. So before you can see that you get to sit with what already is, I have to face these shadows. I get to grieve to let go of what's no longer in alignment with who I am and who I am becoming and to remember that my grief, to remember that your grief can coexist with your joy.
And if you truly love something or someone, sometimes you have to let it go.
Many of us have a deep seated fear of being lonely. So we stay in toxic relationships including friendships to fill this empty void. But as someone who hasn't been single since high school, I know that this is my chance to radically fall in love with myself again. And to embody what it's like to give myself permission to begin anew.
So if you're in your dark night, if you've been grieving, if you've questioned your own qualifications because of how you may feel like you don't have your shit together, just know that I see you. Take a look at everything that is cluttering your space and your mind and lovingly greet it, say, “Hello.” Take the things with you that bring you joy and thank the other things that played a part in your life, that helped to shape who you are today before letting it go.
Do you like my Marie Kondo reference? And then, as you make spaciousness for yourself without trying to immediately fill it with old habits or things that kept you in the same cycle, but instead creating new memories and opportunities for yourself. The universe will meet you halfway by presenting you with the right people and places to support you on this path. And just know that the struggles and the suffering won't go away. It's a part of our life. We just learned how to cultivate a new relationship with it. One where you are your first client and if you find that you're beating yourself up in the process, then this is where I say, it is helpful to get yourself a coach that can mirror back your greatness when you forget. And someone who is more than just a friend, but can hold you accountable towards your future self, towards your dreams, towards this bigger vision that may or may not be met in this lifetime, when you get caught up in the past and all the things that are not working. And I'm so grateful for the mentors and the coaches in my life who have held me through this process so that I can still show up today to record this podcast.
You are worthy.
You are so deserving of the greatest love.
You're allowed to walk away from toxic places and people. Trust that you have always been provided for. And when you get caught between your head and your heart find refuge in your lungs, in your breath, in this very present moment.
And by the way there's no such thing as toxic people, only people who have got to heal from the patterns that bring in toxicity. Okay? Because I know for sure that I have been learning about some of my own traits as well, but trust that I am dedicated to becoming a better human being.
And when you forget your magic, your dharma, your medicine, just know that you can slip into my DMs. And at the very least I've got you on the words of affirmations and know that I mean every word that I say.
Thank you for being with me on this journey for loving me amidst my own becoming and I'll keep you updated on my decluttering process, especially if you follow me on nstagram @jumakae.
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